It amazes me how we, as people, are so repulsed by the concept of pooh. Fair enough, it stinks, but we all love the smell of our own farts. Yeah it's a boring old brown colour, but if my memory serves me correctly, brown is the new black. And I gotta tell ya, after what I just did, I feel a whole lot slimmer.
So why is it that we can go for hours, sometimes days, with this stuff lodged firmly up inside of us and (for lack of a better phrase...cos this is a good one) not give a shit? But the moment it is out of us, we are suddenly repulsed.
You know, I am not a very hairy man. I have normal amounts of hair on my arms and legs. I have a small tuft of hair on the cavity where my chest should be. Just the other day, my wife let me know that my hairline has begun to recede almost as rapidly as the flood waters in the previous post. Of course I blame her and the 3 year old, but really it is just nature. Not that this is of concern to me. I regularly cut my hair with the clippers cos I just hate having hair. If I go bald it will save me a fortune on maintaining my clipper set, and probably a good whack of time too.
Why am I telling you this? Because, for the life of me, I can't understand why I have such a hairy arse. You would not believe the amount of hair I have down there. It's like I had a damn buttocks transplant from a wookiee. Fair dinkum, every time I go to take a crap I have to pack a cut lunch because I spend the first five minutes crapping and the next half hour wiping shit out of my anus-afro. I have to set my alarm half an hour early every morning just in case I have the urge to take a dump when I wake up. And did I just mention how repulsed I am by the stuff. Well think about it...every single time I grab a little wad of toilet paper and rub it up between my cheeks I have to look at it to see if there's any shit there. OF COURSE THERE'S BLOODY SHIT THERE... I just crapped through a mat of twisted
Speaking of wookiee butts (well we are now), do you think Chewbacca would have had these same problems? I mean that poor creature has so much hair. He even has this overgrowth thing happening on his hands. Think about that when you're delicately scrunching the toilet paper and deftly positioning it in the tips of your fingers ready for your first wipe. Wouldn't matter with Chewy. Regardless of how much effort he went to, he was always gonna get shit on his hands. Now think about that the next time you go to eat a doughnut or some other finger food.
And while we are on the subject of Star Wars hair transplants (you guys really need to get the concept of wookiee anuses out of your mind...move on people). I have developed the nick name of Yoda. If you haven't worked it out yet, you will soon. I am a huge Star Wars fan. I named my dog after a Star Wars character. I even named my son after a Star Wars character. No his name is not 'Solacious Crumb'. Anyways the nick name of Yoda does not come from the fact that I am old and wise. It does not come from the fact that I am, by far, the best light sabre duelist in the galaxy. The nick name was bestowed upon me, because there is one other place on my body that has an unnaturally large growth of hair. My ears.
I don't shave on the week-ends so on a Sunday night or Monday morning I shave with a razor blade. the rest of the week I just use an electric shaver. The Sunday night / Monday morning thing is determined by when I think I will next need to take a dump. If it is on Monday morning, then I have to shave the night before or I will be late to work. Anyways, I digress. When I shave with the blade I also shave my ears. My wife thought it was amusing when she asked me why my ear was bleeding, and I told her I cut it shaving.
The way things are going, I am going to end up looking so much like a freak that my wife will leave me, and then I am sure you know where the next place I start growing hair will be.
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