How to be ASTRAYAN

This is not a lecture. It is not an attempt to demonstrate my extensive knowledge of the English language. This is just a few simple pointers for any Americans that wish to read what I type. The words in capitals are spelled phoenetically to emulate our accent. We don’t actually have an accent though. It’s everyone else in the world that has an accent. Ok so here goes:

1. I come from ASTRAYA.
2. When we greet a friend, we say OWZ ERT GARN?
3. “Excuse me” is pronounced…YA FUCKEN WOT?
4. “No thank you” is pronounced SHUV ERT UP YARARS
5. “Try your luck” is pronounced AVAGO YA MUG
6. In summer, the northern regions of ASTRAYA get FRIGGEN OTT
7. Also in the summer we love to have many BARBACYOOZ
8. Many things cause us to lose our buttocks. For example:
i. Freeze YARARS OFF.
ii. Sweat YARARS OFF.
iii. Talk YARARS OFF. This example can also result in a loss of YAREARS or YUREDD.


Some interesting correlations between ASTRAYA and America:

* In ASTRAYA, a thong is what you wear on your feet to the beach.
* Candy is just referred to as lollies.
* Diapers are called nappies.
* A fanny is a vagina.
* Pie is pastry filled with minced meat and other savoury foods.
* Meds are little cotton buds that one inserts in their vagina to soak up blood.
* ASTRAYAN fashion is governed by what the American homeless are wearing.
* We do like to throw a shrimp on the barbie, but they’re called prawns and they’re very expensive.
* To make fun of a person is to take the piss out of them.
* ASTRAYANS like to watch Americans take the piss out of themselves on American sitcoms.
* ASTRAYANS also like to watch ASTRAYANS take the piss out of Americans on ASTRAYAN sitcoms.
* According to Monty Python, when compared to ASTRAYAN beer American beer is like making love in a canoe. It’s fucking close to water.
* If we had a drug store in ASTRAYA it would not be overtly advertised for fear of a police raid.
* ASTRAYAN footballers do not need to wear armour to play in.
* American basketball teams are full of black men.
* Australian basketball teams of full of American black men.
* In comparison to black men, white men cannot jump.
* ASTRAYAN men wank when they are feeling amorous and have no one to share it with.
* A man who is acting the fool is also referred to as a wanker.
* A homosexual male is a poofter.
* A homosexual female is a carpet muncher.
* Christmas falls in the middle of summer. Therefore there is no such thing as a White Christmas in ASTRAYA, however advertising is still illustrated by snowflakes and snowmen.
* Fall is something we all like to watch little children do over and over again. It is also something you will see leaves do in Autumn.
* Kangaroos and Koalas are not kept as pets. You require a license for them and both animals can be quite vicious. Koalas do not drop on you from trees. If that occurs, it is because the Koala died in which case you would be dead too as they are very heavy creatures.
* The wombat is the national model for the ASTRAYAN man. He eats roots and leaves.
* If the ASTRAYAN language was compared to the dialect of the smurfs, we would all be referred to as creatures called FUCKS.