A Real Man With Real Ambitions

It’s the 1st July. We’re half way through the year already and just look how far we’ve come. I need to go back over the list of things that I wanted to achieve this year. It’s important to have goals. Give you something to strive for. Some encouragement to get out of bed every day. Not that I really need encouragement to get me out of bed. All you need is a three year old. That’ll do the trick.

I actually have only one item on my list:

1. Make a list of things I want to achieve this year.

I haven’t ticked it off yet, but it’s early days. I’ve got plenty of time. It’s still in the planning phase. You have to start these things with a plan. It’s a good indicator of how much better your project was going to be compared to how it actually turned out.

You know, I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I could easily make a list of 100 things I want to achieve this year, but then we’re talking maybe only 1% to 2% success rate. And that’s only if I include ‘Fart’ and ‘Scratch My Balls’ as items on the list. It needs to be more realistic. More achievable.

Maybe start small. Well I can put ‘Fart’ and……ok now I can put ‘Scratch My Balls’ on the list. I could definitely put ‘Pick My Nose’ up there. I don’t really have any great desire to achieve ‘Burp’, but it’s a great padder for the list so I will put that on there. I have been gaining weight at a rate of knots, so I could go for the old faithful. The one that everyone puts on their list. My ideal weight is 85Kg so I would need to gain another 900 grams. I can do that.

But you also have to strive. Challenge yourself. So I could put something a little more difficult to achieve on the list. Something I can’t do in my sleep. Now let’s see. I haven’t exercised much this year. I could increase my exercise regime. I could double it. Now I managed to do two work outs with my weights before I had a run in with a snake. So I am sure I could do another two before the end of the year. Let’s see how the list is going so far:

1. Fart
2. Scratch My Balls
3. Pick My Nose
4. Burp
5. Gain Weight
6. Work Out With Weights (x2)

Nice. However I noticed that the increase in exercise will result in a decrease in weight. I need to scratch number 6. Or…instead of lifting weights, I could lift some take away burgers. I will still maintain mobility of my arms and I could gain the weight in the process. I could eat more KFC.

OK now it looks like I am getting somewhere. I am sure I could make a list of 10 achievable goals. What if I was to plan a trip somewhere. It would have to be somewhere not too far away cos I have to be back for work. Close to home and not too expensive……Happy Hour at the pub! That can be number 7 on the list.

I think I want to do something for the environment this year. Living in Central Queensland the biggest environmental issue we’re all faced with is drought. Admittedly the town I live in does not have water restrictions, but does that mean that I shouldn’t be doing my bit for the environment and saving water? I think not. In an effort to improve our life here on earth, I am going to use less water. That’s number 8.

9 and 10 I think are by far the most important goals I will strive for this year. With the way the world is today, more and more relationships are failing. This is for two main reasons. Lack of sleep and an unsatisfactory sex life. My primary goals this year will be to maintain my relationship with my wife. I must place a great deal of focus on both of these blockers if I am going to succeed. Ok so now I have 10 major goals for the year. All of which I think are achievable. Let’s see how it looks.

1. Fart
2. Scratch My Balls
3. Pick My Nose
4. Burp
5. Gain Weight
6. Eat More KFC
7. Get Pissed
8. Shower Only Once A Week
9. Hit The Missus Up For A Quickie
10. Roll Over And Go Straight To Sleep

And there you have it. A very real list of goals that are not too difficult to achieve. A real man’s guide to a happy and successful life.